Intro - Offering My Experiences For Others To Find & Relate To (Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Distress Intolerance)

Hi. This is new for me.  I don't know really how to write a blog, but I feel like my story is one that others could learn from and relate to if they stumble upon it in the vast world of the internet.    

To get right to it, I am a 27-year-old female who has been a sufferer of anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I was clinically diagnosed and started treatment at the age of 18, and have come a long way in my mental health journey since.  As I have learned more about myself, and more about my mental struggles, I often felt alone.  I am also in an interesting position where, I feel the need to incessantly talk about my issues (come to find out it's a reassurance seeking coping mechanism) but we'll get into that later.

During my journey through mental health, on top of therapy and SSRIs, I have done hours of research regarding my specific issues.  I've found results from various hospitals, psych websites, authors, all which have been fairly helpful in understanding my anxiety.  But also all felt so clinical.  I've been truly craving to read about other people who are experiencing the same problems as I do, and their personal accounts of it.  I've found some authors that have written books about it, but I didn't really feel that it was worth buying.  I've gone to reddit to try and search for others like me, but if you're familiar with reddit, you know there is A LOT to sift through.  So it occurred to me that maybe there are other people out there, experiencing similar issues to me, that are doing the same thing.  I'd like to just simply offer my personal journey, struggles, and experiences with anxiety, with the hope that someone may find my blog and feel a small sense of relief that someone out there is going through the same thing.

So...how do I condense the past 9 years of discovery into a short intro? 

Let's start with the beginning.  I was 18-years-old and entering college.  I was extremely excited for what awaited.  Parties, fascinating classes, new friends, new experiences...freedom.  It was move-in day, my family brought me to the school, helped me move into my dorm, and we went and had some fun attending the move-in day carnival.  Then, the time arrived for them to say goodbye I felt a literal PANG of panic.  Gut-wrenching distress.  Fear.  I was shocked.  Where was this coming from?  It wasn't the normal nerves I had felt before, it was fear like I had never felt it.  I pushed through a teary-eyed goodbye and went to find some of my friends.  The first few weeks went by and I felt out of place, I felt lost.  I was working out, attending classes & parties, but there was still that sense of fear and sadness in my gut.  Then I started sleeping, a lot.  I slept the days away.  Missed classes.  Stopped hanging out with friends as much.  I would takes 6-hour naps in my dorm.  I had zero motivation for anything.  I started thinking that I was worthless, what the hell is wrong with me?  This is not what I envisioned for my first exciting year of college.   I would cry, a lot.  But I strangely felt no other emotion.  I was empty.  By the end of my first semester, I decided to see my primary care doctor who diagnosed me with depression.  She put me on 10mg of Zoloft once per day and said it would take around a month to kick-in.  I felt embarrassed, and I felt weird telling people about it.  I had never known anyone who had been on antidepressants before.  On top of that, I had horrible side effects from Zoloft.  I felt like I had the flu constantly, and I had the worst insomnia I've ever experienced in my life.  I would lie wide awake in my bed until 4 or 5am every night.  It was miserable.  I confided in one of my friends, about the medicine and the side effects, and to my surprise, she said her dad has experienced the exact same symptoms from Zoloft.  She said that he switched to a different medication that greatly helped and that I should maybe consult my doctor.  I strangely felt a huge wave of relief that someone else knew someone who had a similar experience.  I immediately called my doctor and they prescribed me with 10mg of Lexapro once per day.  I stayed on that dosage daily for ~7 years.

While the Lexpro helped, I still felt this obsessive urge to go back home to my family.  To get back to the familiar.  It felt like it was the only thing that would relieve this distress I was feeling.  The only thing that would make me feel better.  So I did.  I moved home after first semester.  In hindsight, the Lexapro started working shortly thereafter and I honestly think if I had pushed through, that I would have totally been fine with staying at school and things would have gotten better.  I try not to let regret seep in about that.  I tell myself that it was what I needed at the time.  

Fast-forward nine years.  Nine years of ups and downs.  Nine years of fun, sadness, anxiety, contentment, depression, distress, hopefulness.  I am currently seeing a therapist who, for the first time, has helped me understand the root cause of my anxiety, my depression, my fear of confrontation, my fear of asking for what I want, my fear of abandonment, my lack of assertiveness, every emotional problem that plagues my life: Distress Intolerance and Emotional Dysregulation (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder).  For the first time, "anxiety" isn't this abstract concept that I just happen to deal with but didn't really have a concrete answer as to why.  I have that answer now, and it is incredibly freeing, and gives me such a sense of hope that I actually can change and manage my symptoms in a way that will truly change my life for the better.  

This has been a lot for today.  But I plan to post about my journey with distress intolerance, and all of the learnings and experiences that come with it.  If you suffer from the same issues, or feel like you can relate, I hope this helps you feel less alone!

Talk soon.